


Being Alive

by phoenixhp5



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst, F/M, Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, One Shot, Raul Esparza - Freeform, Singing, hidden past, svu team
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-11
Updated: 2021-03-11
Packaged: 2021-03-17 18:02:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,757
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29970243
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/phoenixhp5/pseuds/phoenixhp5
Summary: Rafael Barba has a past: he used to be in theater. While on a case, the team finds out and force him to sing for him. He reluctantly agrees and blows them all away.One-shot
Relationships: Rafael Barba/Olivia Benson
Comments: 8
Kudos: 16





	Being Alive

**A/N: I originally intended for this to be a funny little one-shot, but things never turn out so simply. It is still a one-shot, but not as simple as I’d initially planned. Barba has a secret—he used to perform in theater—and the SVU squad are about to find out.**

**Aside from the main SVU cast, all other characters and locations are made up. That way I can’t get anything wrong. Title is finale song from musical, _Company_. It’s free on YouTube, so I highly recommend you watch. **

**Being Alive**

**Rafael’s POV:**

“Don’t answer it, don’t answer it,” I begged, half-heartedly attempting to take the phone away from Olivia.

“I have to,” Liv replied with a laugh, her hand on my face pushing me away. I childishly licked it, causing her to let out a yell of disgust.

“Dammit, Rafa, did you really just lick me?” she asked rhetorically, wiping her hand on her clothes as she put the phone to her ear.

I simply responded with a mischievous grin, which caused her to roll her eyes before turning her back on me.

I let out a sigh when I heard she was speaking with Fin, which meant work. I didn’t think Liv and I would ever get a night to ourselves. We’d been dating for a month now, and every attempt at going on an official date had been thwarted by work, Noah, illness, and even the weather.

Tonight, we’d decided to forego even attempting to go out and just settled for eating takeout at my place. We’d barely even finished eating when her phone had begun to ring.

Hanging up her phone, Liv turned back to me with an expression torn between exasperation and apology.

I smiled back in understanding, walking over and wrapping my arms around her waist.

“Hey, it’s fine, I get it,” I told her, and she wrapped her arms around my neck, settling her forehead against mine.

“We really should just stop trying to go on dates,” she remarked. “We had much better luck hanging out when we weren’t a couple.”

“In that case, this is all your fault for asking me out,” I quipped, giving her a mock glare.

“If I recall correctly, it was you who asked me,” she argued.

“Old age must be affecting your memory,” I retorted with a smirk.

“Old age?!” she burst out, giving me a light smack to the arm.

“You are like six years”—I’d begun to say, but she put her hand on my lips as she playfully growled, “Don’t you dare.”

I gave her an innocent look as she lowered her hand before muttering, “Cradle robber.”

Her mouth opened in outrage, so before she could do anything, I cupped the back of her head and pulled her in for a deep kiss, smiling as I felt her muscles relax beneath my fingertips.

“Mmm, Rafa, I have to go,” she grumbled as she pulled away.

“Fine, I’ll come with,” I declared, going over and grabbing both our jackets.

“What?” Liv replied humorously.

“I want my date, so if that means I have to come to a crime scene or speak with a victim, then so be it,” I stated as I handed her, her jacket. “It’s not like I won’t find out any of these details anyways,” I added with a shrug when she continued to look uncertain.

“You sure?” she pressed doubtfully. “This is work.”

“I enjoy any time that I spend with you,” I replied genuinely, and she gave me a beautiful smile.

“Fine, but no funny business. You will be strictly professional,” she ordered, and this time it was me rolling my eyes.

“Liv, we work together almost every day, and I’ve been professional all those times without problem,” I stated, walking out of my apartment with her. “I think I can manage this time.”

“So, it was professional when you and I had sex in your office?” she asked coyly, and I laughed aloud before responding, “It may have been my office, but pretty sure it was you who seduced me.”

“See, and I remember it the other way around,” Liv argued, grasping onto my hand once we were in her car.

“Well, whoever’s fault it was, it takes two to tango, _mi amor_ , and I assure you, I don’t plan on seducing you in front of your squad,” I assured her, hand placed over my heart.

“Where we headed?” I asked curiously.

“Cortez Theater,” she answered. “Apparently, the owner of the building has been illegally filming pornos in the backroom for years.”

“And this required your immediate attention?” I inquired unhappily.

“Many of the stars in the films are well known actors and actresses, and a few were underage,” Liv responded. “The final nail in the coffin is that the owner is a cousin of the mayor’s wife.”

I nodded, things making more sense now. “So, they called in the big guns.”

She nodded in agreement.

We arrived at the theater, and we both walked out to be greeted by Fin. He raised his eyebrows at me but didn’t question my presence. He simply quirked a grin at me before leading us inside.

“Hey, Lieu,” Carisi greeted as chipper as ever, “you will not believe the number of hidden cameras this place has got. Looks like not everybody was aware they were being filmed.”

Liv let out a sigh while I shook my head in disgust.

“Counselor, what’re you doing here?” Carisi asked in confusion. “Did Fin call you in too?”

“Yes,” I answered, and he nodded like that made sense. I supposed it did after I saw a list of who all had been filmed. There were many well-known names, and I wondered how many of them had been filmed without their consent. There was a lot of energy in the theater, and when prepping for a show, you spent a lot of time with people and went through a lot of emotions. It wasn’t uncommon for hookups to occur while the show was playing just to end promptly afterwards. 

It’d never happened to me, but I’d seen it happen a dozen times in the decade or so I was in theater.

Yes, that’s right. I, Rafael Barba, lawyer extraordinaire had been in theater. It’d started in college on a dare from Rita, and I’d ended up not just loving it, but excelling. In high school back in the Bronx, no way in hell would I have even dared to think about being in theater, but in college, there was no one to judge me.

After finishing with my bachelors and working on my masters, I’d gotten involved in professional plays where I’d been paid. To avoid people from home finding out about me, I’d taken a stage name, Raúl Esparza. It was as I was working on my law degree that I’d begun to rethink my life, wondering if the theater was my true calling. I certainly enjoyed it more at the time than studying law.

My jobs got better and better as the years went on, and I was becoming more well known. I’d passed the bar, and had some practice at being a lawyer, but the theater took up most my time. It was 2006 when things came to end, after I’d starred in a Broadway play, _Company_. I’d even been nominated for a Tony award, which put my face out there more than usual. That’s how my family and friends finally found out my secret.

The teasing sucked, but it was something I could handle. The insults from my father were expected, so it didn’t even phase me. It was _Mami_ and Yelina, however, who put me in my place.

 _Mami_ had been appalled, both at what I was doing and that I had kept it from her. She didn’t consider acting a real career, especially if I was only in stage plays or musicals. She convinced me that I would never be able to support myself like this, and that I would regret not using my law degree. She never let up, berating my choices and my passion. She’d even questioned my sexuality. She’d made me doubt myself.

Yelina, who I’d been in love with since I was a teenager wasn’t as blunt as _Mami_ but had basically said the same thing. She hadn’t been able to understand why I would give up a prestigious job of a lawyer to play around on a stage. How would I support myself or a family? How would I give back to the community? I needed to be more like Alex, she’d urged, announcing then her impending nuptials with my former friend.

With a broken heart, I’d finished out _Company_ , and then left the theater world without a word. I’d completely cut off contact with anyone, deciding to fully immerse myself into being the best lawyer I could be.

I had never told anyone about this. It wasn’t so much because I was ashamed, but more that it just had never come up. I’d also never been close enough to anyone to feel the need. I fully intended to tell Olivia, though, and maybe now was the time.

Giving a mental shrug, I watched the detectives and CSI work, marveling at all the nooks and crannies that hidden cameras had been found. Wandering around, I eventually made my way back to Olivia’s side on stage where she was interviewing some actors who’d been rehearsing tonight for an upcoming musical. It was as I was contemplating which one when I received a blast from the past.

“Raúl Esparza, as I live and breathe,” I heard an older woman call out from a few feet away, and I stiffened in shock as I hadn’t been called that in almost fifteen years.

Turning my head, my eyes widened in shock at seeing Joan Matthews, someone who I’d worked with several times in my short career. She’d been both a mentor and mother hen to me, taking me under her wing. She’d been the only person I’d told my real name to, but I hadn’t been able to tell her that I was leaving the business. I hadn’t said goodbye, and I was suddenly regretting that because she was giving me an icy look, eyeing me up and down like a piece of meat.

 _Mierda_.

“Sorry, I think you have the wrong”—I’d started to say, but she cut me off, closing the distance between us in an instant and delivering a harsh slap that rang across the expansive stage.

Silence reigned, and I just knew all eyes were now on us.

“Excuse me, but”—Olivia began to snarl protectively, but I held a hand out, quickly giving her a pleading look.

Turning back towards Joan, I rubbed at my cheek before opening my mouth to speak, but I hadn’t even pondered what I was going to say before she launched into an angry tirade.

“How dare you. How dare you, Raúl—or should I say _Rafael Barba_! How dare you just vanish without even a proper goodbye!” she scolded harshly. “Do you know I thought something happened to you? I thought you were hurt or sick, or maybe even died! I mourned you!! It wasn’t until I saw you on TV giving some interview regarding a trial that I realized you were alive!”

I knew my face had to be beet red at this point, from embarrassment and shame. I felt awful that she’d worried that much, and I cursed myself for not having the courage to speak with her before I’d vanished. It’d been stupid to think no one would miss me.

As suddenly as her anger appeared, it disappeared. She simply let out a long sigh, fixed me with a stern look before holding her arms out and saying, “Well, do I get a hug or not, kid? It’s been ages since I’ve seen you.”

A startled laugh escaped me before I stepped forward and wrapped my arms around her. That was so Joan. She had a quick temper, but after a brief tirade it’d always vanish. She could never stay mad for long, especially with me.

“My goodness, look at you,” she said happily, cupping my face in her hands. “You actually look old enough to shave now and check out that neatly combed hair and snazzy suit. You’ve come a real long way from the scruffy kid I first met.”

I rolled my eyes dramatically. “I was hardly a kid,” I contested, as I’d been in my late 20’s. Scruffy, maybe, but I had been a poor college student.

“Wait, did you call him Raúl Esparza—like _the_ Raúl Esparza?” a young woman asked disbelievingly. “The one you’ve been telling us about?”

“The very one,” Joan answered brightly, patting me on the shoulder firmly.

“You’ve been talking about me?” I gasped in unhappy surprise.

A sly look was all I received in response before several of the actors began to swarm me.

“I thought you were dead,” a young man said with awe.

“Did you know you’re on buzzfeed unsolved?” another asked, causing my eyebrows to raise in surprise.

“Really?” I asked in bewilderment. People cared that much about my disappearance? This was blowing my mind.

“Well, yeah, you were considered an up-and-coming star, and at the height of your career you just disappeared without a trace,” someone else stated, looking at me dubiously, as if I were lying about who I was.

“Theories about your disappearance included murder, running away with a circus, being abducted by aliens, being held prisoner by some lunatic fan”—another actor rambled until I cut them off with a wave of my hand. This was absolutely absurd.

“This is got to be destiny,” a woman declared before staring at a man who appeared to be in his 30’s. At my raised eyebrow, it was Joan who explained.

“These eager youngins are putting on the musical _Company_ ,” she informed me with a smirk, and I found myself shocked for the umpteenth time.

“You’re joking,” I stated, and the actors quickly assured me that they weren’t.

“I’m playing Bobby,” a blonde-haired man told me proudly. He was the one I’d earlier assumed to be in his 30’s. “You are an inspiration, Mr. Esparza. I saw your version on Broadway when I was a teen, and absolutely loved it. Your portrayal of Bobby was unforgettable, and your voice…my god, it was just amazing! You should’ve won the Tony award. You were totally robbed.”

Several people nodded along with him, and I was sure my face was once more red. I did resist the urge to shift uncomfortably, though.

“Thank you,” I settled with saying graciously. “That means a lot, but I’m sure you’ll do just as well if not better,” I said confidently.

The younger man simply scoffed, and that’s when Liv finally cut in with a loud clearing of her throat. I internally cringed before hesitantly turning to look at her. Her expression was one of utter confusion, but I did notice a tiny sliver of amusement.

“Raúl Esparza?” she questioned curiously, a look of expectation on her face.

“Stage name,” I confessed sheepishly, and that set off the younger actors once more, clamoring to know my real name and what I’d been up to since my supposed disappearance.

“What’s going on here?” Carisi asked, appearing out of nowhere, Rollins with him. In the distance, I noticed Fin also making his way over.

 _Por Dios_ , I thought exasperatedly. This was not how I would’ve chosen to admit my past, and honestly, I never planned on telling all of them. Fin and Rollins would no doubt tease me endlessly, and who knows how Carisi would react.

Olivia quickly filled her squad in on what she’d discovered, and I groaned internally at the gleeful look in all their eyes.

“Stage name, Barba? Really? I honestly can’t see it,” Rollins drawled with a raised eyebrow.

“I knew you could be dramatic, but did not see this coming,” Fin added with a smirk.

I sighed before turning wary eyes to Carisi.

Somehow, I was unsurprised by the look of delight on his face. Nor was I surprised when he immediately began firing questions, wanting to know every detail of my previous career. He both looked and sounded impressed.

The actors once more began shooting me questions, causing me to feel overwhelmed, so I shot Joan and Liv desperate looks pleading with them to help me. Liv simply smiled while Joan clapped her hands loudly, ordering her group to begin cleaning up. They gave some token protesting before reluctantly dispersing, but not before pleading with me to come back soon.

“Be back here at 8AM sharp tomorrow. Yes, that means you too, Summer,” she directed at a young brunette, earning her some good-natured ribbing.

Joan then turned her full attention towards my friends, asking in obvious surprise, “He really hasn’t told you about this?”

They all shook their heads negatively, and the expression of disappointment and pity she gave me caused an uncomfortable twisting of my gut.

“Nope, and like I said before, I don’t see it,” Rollins stated, eyeing me up and down. “Barba, here, is a man of few emotions.”

“Got a stick up his ass, you mean,” Fin amended jokingly, causing me to glare.

“They call him the shark of the courtroom,” Carisi boasted to Joan, and I was surprised how he sounded proud rather than teasing. “Smart as hell with a wicked tongue. I think I can see you as an actor seeing many of your closing statements. You got a way of evoking emotions from the jury and swaying them to your side.”

“You forgot to add arrogant and insufferable,” Liv piped up, giving me an innocent smile when I turned to her with more of a pout than glare.

“Thanks, guys. It’s been an absolute pleasure working with all you as well,” I stated sarcastically.

Joan was laughing heartily before saying, “Well, he’s certainly changed. I mean, aside from the smarts and wicked tongue, Raúl—I mean Rafael here was very emotive. He was very playful and full of energy.”

“No room for that in my job,” I defended defensively before adding, “but it doesn’t mean I don’t care about the victims.”

“True, you’re much better with victims than when we first started working together,” Rollins remarked, eliciting a grimace from me.

Joan looked at me beseechingly as she said, “At least tell me you’ve shown them how well you sing.”

“No, he hasn’t,” Liv answered, narrowing her eyes at me. “He’s always been suspiciously unavailable anytime there’s a karaoke night.”

“How could you keep that a secret?” Joan questioned disbelievingly before turning towards the SVU squad. “You must hear him. His voice is phenomenal and an absolute joy to listen to.”

“Not anymore,” I argued abashedly. “It’s been ages since I’ve sung.”

“You’re honestly telling me you don’t sing when you’re alone?” Joan pressed doubtfully, and my huff was answer enough.

Yes, I did sing on my own, but it wasn’t like singing on stage. It was simply for fun.

“Besides, that sort of talent doesn’t disappear,” Joan asserted. “You’re rusty, no doubt, but nothing a little practice couldn’t help.”

“We have got to hear your singing,” Carisi declared eagerly, the others voicing their agreement.

“This would be a perfect opportunity,” Joan remarked. “Jack Koski, whose playing Bobby, would no doubt benefit from watching and hearing you sing in person.”

“What?!” I gasped, looking from her to my friends. “No way! I’m not singing. You don’t need to hear that.”

“Come on, don’t tell me you’re scared,” Fin goaded, garnering a harsher glare from me this time.

“I’m not scared,” I refuted firmly. “It’s just been so long. I don’t even remember the words to any songs, and my voice isn’t that great. I’d just make a fool of myself, and I’d prefer to avoid the resulting teasing from you all. Besides, I have an image to maintain.”

“Rafa,” Liv sighed, “hearing you sing won’t ruin your image, even if you’re not as good as Joan claims.”

“Our teasing is only in jest, anyways,” Rollins told me with mild guilt.

“We only give you a hard time because you’re family, man, but we wouldn’t bring you down,” Fin remarked, and I looked down bashfully. I still wasn’t used to friends that didn’t tear you down. Aside from Rita, they were the first friends I’d made in years.

“How about this,” Joan suggested after an awkward silence, causing me to internally groan, “why don’t we practice _Being Alive_ together for a week or so, and then you perform for your friends and the cast?”

I wanted to deny her instantly, but with one look at Olivia’s pleading eyes, and I found myself giving in. I couldn’t say no to her when she looked like that.

“Fine,” I sighed heavily, giving everyone a put-upon expression. “When I suck, I don’t want to hear anything from you guys,” I grumbled, shooting them all a threatening look. “And I swear to god, if you tell _anybody_ at work, I will”—

“Okay, okay,” Olivia butt in, laying a hand on both my shoulder and chest, “there’s no need for that. We’re not looking to humiliate you, and of course, no one will tell anybody anything.”

I gave a nod, although my muscles remained tense. This was a part of me I’d hidden for over a decade. These were my friends, though, my family. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad. Maybe I’d enjoy it.

We left not long after, but not before exchanging numbers with Joan. Interviews were over, and CSI would be able to do their job without us.

Two days went by before I found time to meet with Joan so we could practice. We met at her private studio so as to not be harassed by her young actors.

We went through warmups before practicing simple songs. I was shocked both by how easily it all came back to me and how much I enjoyed it. I’d forgotten this feeling, and I felt sadness that I had repressed this part of me for so long.

“Why did you leave?” Joan finally asked after our second practice.

I sipped at my coffee to give me time to think of a response before deciding to just be blunt. I owed her more than anyone an honest response.

“My family and friends finally found out about me with all the press I was getting, and they weren’t supportive to say the least,” I confessed with forced casualness that she saw right through as she reached out to grip my hand.

“ _Mami_ and _Yelina—_ the woman I was crushing on—it was them who convinced me that I needed to grow up and seek a real career,” I continued softly. “They made me feel ashamed and like a failure. I knew they’d never accept me, and I couldn’t stand that, so even if it was one of the hardest decisions I made, I left the business.”

I paused for several moments, remembering the deep depression I’d gone into after I’d made that decision. I’d hated myself for giving in and being so week as to not be able to stand up to my friends and family. I hated that I felt ashamed of something I so passionately loved.

“I assumed it was something like that,” Joan replied with a sad sigh. “What other reason would you have for using a fake name. Are you happy with your life now, though?”

“Yes,” I answered honestly, giving her a reassuring smile. “You could say I have two passions, singing and being a lawyer. I love my job. Yes, it’s tough and can lead to many sleepless nights, but it’s challenging and I’m making a difference. I get to help put away monsters. I get to help people in a way I never would’ve as an actor. And the people I work with…well, they’ve become the best friends I’ve ever had. Kind of like family.”

“I’m so glad,” Joan stated with a grin of relief. “When I found out what you were doing, I was worried that you’d be miserable. I’ve kept tabs on you in the news just to see how you’re doing. You are a brilliant lawyer, it seems. Just odd to see you so serious, closed off, and arrogant. I still remember the playful, quirky young man who always bore such a bright smile.”

“He’s still there,” I assured her. “It’s just, I grew up, and my job has hardened me. I’m still the same man you knew, though. I haven’t changed that much.”

“You definitely grew up,” Joan agreed. “You’re so much stronger and self-assured now. You’ve only grown smarter and wittier. Your big heart is still the same, though, and that makes me happy.”

“If you’ve known who I was this whole time, why didn’t you ever contact me?” I asked curiously, and she gave me a pointed look as she asked back, “Why didn’t you contact me?”

I looked away shamefully.

“I figured you left for a good reason, and if you didn’t attempt to contact me, then I should leave you be,” she informed me with a shrug. “I knew you were okay, and that’s all that mattered.”

It took another week before I felt ready enough to give my performance. The words to _Being Alive_ had come back quickly, the practices with Joan focusing on preparing my voice.

The day I was to perform in front of my friends and the actors, my anxiety was high, my stomach queasy and my hands constantly sweating. I hadn’t been this nervous since my first trial.

I was so grateful that I was able to spend the morning with Liv, who did wonderfully at keeping me distracted. It was a Sunday, a rare weekend where all the squad had off. Everyone was excited to hear me sing, and I desperately hoped I didn’t disappoint.

I knew I sang well, but…their opinions mattered more to me than strangers or the young actors putting on _Company_.

“You’ll do great, I know it,” Livia stated with absolute certainty. “You excel at everything you do.”

“That’s true,” I mumbled with a cocky grin, although I didn’t honestly believe that. I was gratified by her confidence in me, though.

“No matter what happens, no one will judge you badly. We never could,” she assured me, and I gave her a grateful smile before pulling her in for a kiss.

“You’re wonderful,” I praised when we’d broken apart.

We arrived at Cortez theater midafternoon, and Joan gave me a tight hug upon noting my nervousness.

“You’ve got this, and you know it,” she asserted. “You’ve done this dozens of times already and today will be no different.”

“Thanks,” I stated as we headed out onto the stage.

As we walked and I felt the hot lights beating down on me, I marveled at the fact that I was once more going to be performing. It was only a single song, but still, I hadn’t performed for anyone but myself in ages. I felt a sudden burst of excitement to accompany my anxiety.

Joan sat herself at the piano as I walked up to the microphone. We’d discussed me wearing a headset, but I felt with how nervous I was, having something to hold onto would help.

Loosening my tie, I squinted out into the darkness of the theater. I could see a small group of people, but I couldn’t tell who was who. Already, I felt my nervousness beginning to settle a little. I remember my first plays, and how I would trick myself into thinking if I couldn’t see their faces, then they couldn’t see mine. It was a ridiculous lie I told myself, but it did help keep me from throwing up.

**Olivia’s POV:**

I waited intently for Rafa to come out on stage, the excitement of the growing batch of actors rubbing off on me.

“I’m still not sure I believe Barba can sing,” Rollins remarked, giving me a doubtful expression. “Hell, was he ever really in theater? Did anybody think to check that out?”

I knew she wasn’t saying any of this to be mean, but that didn’t stop the flare of protectiveness I felt for Rafael. Giving her a glare, I was about to verbally tear her a new one when Finn interceded.

“I checked the story out, and it’s true,” he declared with his characteristic crooked grin. “ _Raúl Esparza_ was a real person, and as that Joan woman said, he was an up-and-coming star. I’ve looked at images of the guy, and it’s the spitting image of our favorite ADA just more baby-faced. Take a look,” he said, showing us his phone. 

The first picture was rather adorable, but nothing outrageous. It was Rafael in a suit, much cheaper than the sort he wore now, with an almost bored look on his face. He looked so young.

The second picture caused the gasps of surprise.

“That’s Barba?!” Carisi exclaimed with open mouthed shock as Rollins mumbled, “Holy shit.”

Rafa, looking even younger, was wearing a black wig, face paint, and a crop top. It was so far removed from the man I knew that it took me several moments just to absorb what I was seeing and then to determine if it really was him.

“That’s when he played Riff Raff in the _Rocky Horror Show_ ,” Finn explained. “Can’t _wait_ to tease him about this.”

“Not sure he could pull that crop top off now, though,” Carisi joked to which I rolled my eyes. Personally, I preferred Rafa’s body now. In this picture he still looked boyish, but now he was most definitely not.

“Now check out this picture,” Fin continued, and my eyebrows rose in shock once more at seeing a now shirtless Barba. He wore black pants, his torso covered in complicated looking suspenders, a bowtie on one of them. He had tattoos that I knew were fake as I’d seen his entire body only recently, and there were most certainly no tattoos. His hair was jet black falling into eyes, face covered in make-up that included black eyeliner and lipstick. His hands covered his heart dramatically, and I noticed his painted nails.

“So, his love of suspenders was always a thing,” Rollins stated jokingly, but I could hear the surprise in her tone.

“Man, I just can’t believe it,” Carisi spoke in almost a whisper. “Barbas always been so damn straightlaced and almost uptight to me that I just can’t imagine him doing something like this, especially in front of a crowd of people.”

“And, he was singing and acting throughout this,” I had to add, feeling a huge burst of pride for my man. I felt no ill will towards Rafael for him having kept this a secret from me as we’d had a long talk the night I’d found out. He’d explained his thoughts, feelings, and what had happened in the past, so I understood his hesitancy and fear.

“Are there videos?” Carisi questioned in awe, and both Fin and I nodded.

“I didn’t watch any as I wanted to be surprised today,” Fin explained with a shrug. I’d done the same.

“I say we have a video watch party when this is done because I, personally, need to see his rendition of _Time Warp_ ,” Rollins said excitedly. I couldn’t help but agree, although I was certain Rafa wouldn’t. He seemed embarrassed and almost ashamed at times by his past. I hoped after today some of those emotions would lessen.

“Look guys,” I stated as I watched Rafa and Joan walk out onto the stage, “Rafael has been panicking about this, so please try and control the teasing, at least today.”

“No problem, Liv, I can contain myself…for today, at least,” Fin said, and I heard no more from the others as the crowd of actors next to us had suddenly fallen silent. All attention was on the stage where Rafael was walking up to the microphone. I was happy to see him looking less nervous. He loosened his tie, closed his eyes briefly, and inhaled deeply as Joan began playing the piano.

The air of anticipation was so great at this point that it was like a current of electricity was flowing through everyone.

Rafael opened his eyes, and I swore even from this distance I could see a gleam of eagerness in his green eyes. Mouth opening, he began to sing.

_Someone to hold you too close  
Someone to hurt you too deep  
Someone to sit in your chair  
And ruin your sleep_

His voice began soft and almost hesitant, and my god was it a beautiful voice.

_Someone to need you too much  
Someone to know you too well  
Someone to pull you up short  
To put you through hell_

There was so much emotion in his voice, even if it was still coming out soft. Listening to the lyrics, I realized the song was about the fear of letting someone in. It was fear of a relationship—of commitment. 

_Someone you have to let in  
Someone whose feelings you spare  
Someone who, like it or not  
Will want you to share  
A little a lot_

_Someone to crowd you with love  
Someone to force you to care  
Someone to make you come through  
Who'll always be there  
As frightened as you  
Of being alive  
Being alive  
Being alive  
Being alive_

His voice began to come out stronger, more assured, just like the words to the song. He was becoming more open to the idea of letting someone in. No, not just letting someone in, but wanting to. It resonated with me as I’d always been too afraid to fully open myself to anyone. I’d always feared being hurt, and I knew Rafa did too.

The more I heard the more I realized this song didn’t just resonate with me, but everyone around me. Who didn’t fear opening themselves up to another person?

_Somebody hold me too close  
Somebody hurt me too deep  
Somebody sit in my chair  
And ruin my sleep  
And make me aware  
Of being alive  
Being alive_

His voice was continued to increase in volume, his face and tone conveying increasing desire.

There was no way I would ever allow Rafael to keep this talent from me another day. His voice was beautiful and enrapturing. A quick flick towards my companions showed they too were captivated by the performance.

_Somebody need me too much  
Somebody know me too well  
Somebody pull me up short  
And put me through hell  
And give me support  
For being alive  
Make me alive  
Make me alive_

_Make me confused  
Mock me with praise  
Let me be used  
Vary my days_

_But alone  
Is alone  
Not alive_

_Somebody crowd me with love  
Somebody force me to care  
Somebody let come through  
I'll always be there  
As frightened as you  
To help us survive  
Being alive  
Being alive  
Being alive_

My heart was pounding, the hairs on my arms standing up on end as I watched the love of my life finish singing his heart out. He was breathing heavily, his face lit up in exhilaration. He sported a huge grin staring at us all before giving a bow.

It was only then that I realized I was the only one not clapping. The actors were the loudest, giving whistles and hollers of appreciation.

“Okay, I officially owe Barba an apology,” Rollins remarked, “I honestly didn’t expect him to be _that_ good.”

“No idea why he was hiding an ability like that,” Fin said as he shook his head disbelievingly. “God, can you imagine how everybody we worked with would react if they found out _El Tiburón_ could sing like that.”

“I’m thinking I’ve got another performer for the charity performance I’ve been volun _-told_ to put on,” I mused aloud.

“Come on, we better go save the counselor from his fans,” Carisi spoke with amusement as we watched people beginning to swarm around Rafael.

**Rafael’s POV:**

After giving my bow, I turned towards Joan with a wide grin, a feeling of euphoria coursing through me. My heart pounded, and there was a spring in my step as I went over and pulled her in for a tight hug.

“I take it you enjoyed that,” she remarked wryly when I pulled away and I smiled brightly as I nodded my head.

“Now, there’s the man I knew,” she then stated, eyeing me up and down.

I was vibrating with sudden energy, the ridiculous urge to jump up and down like a kid hitting me. Thankfully, I had the self-control to contain myself.

That had been more fun than I’d remembered, and I couldn’t understand why I’d been so nervous nor could I understand how I could’ve let this part of my life go.

I loved being a lawyer, I really did. I enjoyed putting away monsters. I enjoyed the challenge and the feeling of triumph when I won a case.

 _But_ …but I also loved performing. It was a different outlet for my constantly buzzing mind. It was a way for me to release and use my emotions that I normally kept buried. I missed it. I missed it a lot.

My attention was pulled by several of Joan’s young actors rushing towards me, both complimenting and asking questions. Unlike before, where I’d been uncomfortable and taken aback, now I was simply bemused that they seemed to think so highly of me. They reminded me now of law students and young lawyers who had enough guts to approach me for advice.

Smiling pleasantly, I endeavored to treat the actors with more patience and kindness than I had the baby lawyers.

Questions were cut off when Liv and the SVU squad approached, and upon noticing their bright grins and looks of surprise, I shot them a smug smirk.

“I have got to say, Barba, I didn’t know you had it in you, but holy hell, that was amazing,” Rollins stated, giving me a genuine smile.

“Ye of little faith,” I tsked with a shake of my head before grinning sheepishly at the raised eyebrow Liv was shooting me.

“Don’t know why you’ve been keeping that a secret, man. If you weren’t already dating Liv, I’d say you could use that voice to serenade a girl or guy,” Fin told me, shooting Liv a cheeky grin when she narrowed her eyes at him.

“I had no doubts you’d be good, but that was way better than I expected. You’ve got to show that off at the precinct’s next karaoke night,” Carisi encouraged, and I shook my head, even though I wasn’t sure anymore why I needed to hide this part of myself.

“No, I’m thinking he’s going to happily volunteer for the charity event I’m organizing for the spring,” Liv mentioned, coming up and bumping shoulders with me. I desperately wanted to pull her in for a kiss or just a hug, but we were both adamant about no PDA when at work…although, technically this wasn’t work…

Wrapping an arm around her waist, I pulled her in and placed a kiss to her cheek, grinning as I felt the blush spreading on her face.

“Rafa,” Liv hissed, giving me a light elbow to the ribs.

I looked at her innocently before explaining, “We’re not at work, and they already know we’re dating.”

Her eyes remained narrowed, although I could tell she wasn’t angry, just slightly embarrassed.

“Wait, did you say I was singing at your charity event?” I asked, what she’d said earlier suddenly hitting me.

“Yup,” she answered, looking at me with those pleading eyes that I could never deny. “You have an amazing voice, and I honestly can’t wait to see the expressions on some peoples’ faces when they hear you.”

I frowned, grumbling about being used, but honestly, I wasn’t that upset. The fact that she wanted to show me off was rather flattering, and I’d do anything to make her happy.

**Esparza in _Company_ image: https://usatoday30.usatoday.com/life/theater/reviews/2006-11-29-review-company_x.htm**

**Esparza in _Rocky Horror Show_ image: https://twitter.com/RaulEEsparza/status/327772432326860801/photo/1**

**Esparza in _Cabaret_ image: https://i0.wp.com/newyorktheater.me/wp-content/uploads/2020/04/Esparza-in-Cabaret.jpeg?ssl=1**

**_Being Alive_ YouTube video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eBBPKedba5o**


End file.
